@Faptually

I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.

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@BackrowSeats

If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

@ValeeGrrl

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

@ShesARealGenius

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

@Bluestmoon_

78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@copymama

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

@pilau

[first little league game]

me: knock ‘em dead son

son: thanks pa

me: destroy them

son: what

me: kill them all

son: [crying]

me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”