I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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Bless you
How high do the levels go?