If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
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You guys I found a great deal on pumpkins and bus drivers
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old: This is a dream
What I say:
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection
[first little league game]
me: knock ‘em dead son
son: thanks pa
me: destroy them
me: kill them all
me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”