I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out