Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.