@The_JRM

I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.

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@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@SteveKoehler22

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

@gentilecoont

“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@thedad

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉