What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house