Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Finally
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
How I’d get arrested…
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Ugh but profoundly
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT