I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
get you a girl who
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!