I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I speak both universal languages:
2. Louder & slower English
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.
how was your vacation
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.