@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

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@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@Feisty___One

I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@_ethelbeavers

If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.

@SlackArab

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.