I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
WTF
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Selfie
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works