I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
You Might Also Like
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart