i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

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It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.


I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.


FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right


ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim


The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.


Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time


Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*


Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho


Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.


My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?


I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.