i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When does CPR become necrophilia?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime