@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

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@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@AsgardianRose

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@vandroidhelsing

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

@KKAlThani

Calm down girls, it’s Starbucks. They sell coffee, not unicorn blood.

@joekjoek

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

@UncleDuke1969

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”