lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
my feed is like:
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
we are gonna die
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Calm down girls, it’s Starbucks. They sell coffee, not unicorn blood.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”