I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Bite me again
– my bottom lip
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
time machine? you mean a clock?