Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy
“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.
FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.