I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!