@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

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@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@RatCasket

[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]

@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@OBiiieeee

“You should go with the black one” I whispered from inside the clothes rack as she dropped both shirts and ran.

FINE, GO WITH THE WHITE ONE

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.