I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.