I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized