Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Cashier: Eat this apple
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.