I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.


When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.


M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!


**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars


Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.


[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple


[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”


I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.