When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.