I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I really had high hopes for this year though
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring