I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.


[feeding baby]
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk


This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”


Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.


My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.


During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.


Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.


“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*


In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!