@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

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@trumpetcake

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

@trentistweeting

[feeding baby]
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk

@jessica_salfia

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@LostFelicia

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@JB4Realz

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

@CheryeDavis

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

@UncleDuke1969

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!