I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Name this drama.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
incredible
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.