I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Netflix: We have Less
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Pizza is an emotion right?
😲 WTF? 😆
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell