Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path