I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.