*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.