I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You Might Also Like
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Yup!
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”