I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/


[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?


It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”


“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad


Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.


1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.


*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?


My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.


My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.