I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital