@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

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@racheltacobell

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

@sageboggs

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

@UhhhJasonWebb

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

@Bonkaz

Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.

@dance_blessed

1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@kylekinane

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.