I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
The Sun
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I drew y’all a little something.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.