@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

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@MUMSIEesq

CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@ChaoticBeny

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@IamSoffWilliams

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.