CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
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What tribe is your bicep from?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.