12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir