Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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friend: “we should have a drink sometime”
*never contacts them again*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“After the tone please say your name”
Me: *nervous* Your name
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Think I’ll pass.