@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

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@SaraMansford

Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:

They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.

@li4mst3w4rt

friend: “we should have a drink sometime”

*never contacts them again*

@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

@brynnester

[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
*Tone*
Me: *nervous* Your name

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

@Mom_Overboard

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@TheHyyyype

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!