I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Discuss
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
never deleting this app.