@Lisabug74

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

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@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@BeeBabs

Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

@pienar

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

@envydatropic

I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.

@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@Brentweets

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”