I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium


Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines


The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.


texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus


I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.


(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.


A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.


The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”