I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.