I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.


Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.


Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too


I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.


What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.


Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward


How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.