@juliothesquare: I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going "I trust this will suffice."
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@ParentNormal: I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
@SarcasticSadOne: Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme? Me: I own a house.
@dysalexia: Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes :(
@sonictyrant: Cop: *pulls me over* Me: *winds down my car door window* Cop: where's the rest of your vehicle?