Barbie gone wild
You Might Also Like
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!