@juliothesquare

I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

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@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@david8hughes

Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase

@LizHackett

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

@MaraWritesStuff

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

@ilikeyouguys

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

@notalogin

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

@theshamingofjay

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.