Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Labreador
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague