I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.



her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no


if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower


I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.