@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

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@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@Skoog

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

@120yearz

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

@tastefactory

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

@VikingJonesy

The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower

@StranDadAbroad

I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.