My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The only good thing to come out of this pandemic is I finally invented guacamole and chips that can be eaten in the shower
I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time