If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.