I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
How times have changed.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.