them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.