I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal