I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money


My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.


Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive


They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.


CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?


You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.


If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.