I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.

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*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.


My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree


I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.


Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties


I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.


actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”


Genie: Sure about this?
Me: C’mon do it
Genie: It’s your last wis-
Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I’m Genie


Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.