Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.