“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers