I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no