I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late


My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.


I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.


When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.


[hanging out w mob]
“Tony sleeps with the fishes”
*they all laugh*
[self conscious about my sexual habits w fish]: its not a big deal guys


Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.


“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago


Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*


I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.