I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just tested negative for patience.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken