PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.