@jackmackenroth

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

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@ryanqnorth

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

@chamashouse

When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

@SardonicTart

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

@realHamOnWry

You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

@CodyJP9412

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

@amydillon

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

@McNevich

Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.