I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You Might Also Like
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Meeeee too!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan