The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”
gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“Use the forceps, Luke!” – Obi Gyn Kenobi