@HenpeckedHal
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
@Tups13
I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.
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@HenpeckedHal
@rachelle_mandik
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
@filthyson
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
@JimmerThatisAll
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
@p01arst0rm
AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”
gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”
@WildeThingy
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
@NotChuckBarkley
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
@VisionBored1
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?
Therapist: No.
@loribuckmajor
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
@Shot_Of_Cabo
“Use the forceps, Luke!” – Obi Gyn Kenobi