Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.