@Tups13

I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.

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@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

@rachelle_mandik

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@filthyson

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

@p01arst0rm

AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”

gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”

@WildeThingy

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

@NotChuckBarkley

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

@VisionBored1

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: Go to Victoria’s Secret and take a bunch of selfies in the change room because the lighting is so good there?

Therapist: No.

@loribuckmajor

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.