I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too