I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
United Steaks of America
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.