[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You Might Also Like
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
We found love in a hopeless place.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony