@BunAndLeggings
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
@KattsDogma
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
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@BunAndLeggings
@theshantilly
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
@Gupton68
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
@Poutymcgee
See a penny pick it up…
All day long you’ll have….
A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.
@TheCareBare
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
@HatfieldAnne
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
@DurtMcHurtt
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
@KalvinMacleod
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
@shakenbakegurl
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
@the_rock_chic
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…