I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…


See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.


she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy


Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.


[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.


How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War


I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…