I started a book club. A coloring book club. There's a line to get in. We're never on the same page. Nothing's black & white. We're well red

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets