@KattsDogma

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

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@BunAndLeggings

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@Gupton68

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

@Poutymcgee

See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

@TheCareBare

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

@HatfieldAnne

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@KalvinMacleod

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

@shakenbakegurl

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

@the_rock_chic

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…