My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?