I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
🤣
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.