@BrownDogBlanket

I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans

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@TheTweetOfGod

“So help Me God.”

No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@IfIwassomething

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@prufrockluvsong

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

@GawdOffalTweets

I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.

@omgthatspunny

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.

@stockejock

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

@KeetPotato

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]