I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.