Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Okay me first
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
This pepper has seen some shit
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.