I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.

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Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one


doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically


I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.


[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though


[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong


Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020


anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench