Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench