I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.